Angels on Earth
by Kaitlin Stokes
chapter five
Joan didn't stand around long enough to hear anything else that Sarah said. She took off down the hall towards Emma's room, unshed tears stinging in the back of her eyes. She arrived to find Emma's door closed.
"Hey Em." Joan said, peeking her head in the room. She saw Emma lying in her hospital bed looking as tiny as ever.
"Hi." Emma whispered, Joan looked at Emma and noticed her big blue eyes were even a deeper more brilliant color blue because she'd been crying. "Lexi's gone."
"I know baby."Emma opened her arms to Joan like a toddler who wanted to be picked up and Joan slowly walked to her and carefully climbed into the hospital bed where she cradled the little girl. Joan couldn't hold back her tears any longer, and she started to cry along with Emma. After a long while, Emma's sobs quieted and she spoke.
"Joan?" The child said in between hiccups.
"Yeah Emma?"
"What happens if I don't get better like Lexi didn't get better?" Emma's question sparked a realization in Joan, not only did Emma lose her best friend, but some of the hope that lived inside Emma that she would one day be cured of the beast that threatened her life had also been lost. Emma was facing the scary realization that she too could die.
"I don't know Em."
Emma shrugged, "I guess I'll just get to meet God a little sooner than everyone else."
Joan didn't say anything she simply nodded. She was having a very hard time believing in a God who would give children cancer or take the life of a little girl on the eve of her sister's birth.
"Don't be mad at God Joan."
"I'm not." Joan said, taken aback by the fact that Emma had pretty much read her mind.
"Yeah you are, mommy and daddy were mad at God for a long time after I got sick. I heard them talking about it. Cancer makes people mad at God."
"I guess it does."
"But I'm not mad at God."
"Not ever?" Joan was amazed by the child's unshakable faith.
"No."
"Well, you little one, must be much more mature than I am, because sometimes I can't help it."
"Cancer made me sick but it also gave me a lot of good things too. I've gotten to do lots of stuff since I got cancer."
Joan nodded and realized that Emma's parents had spent the last three years of their daughter's short life trying to cram in all the living they possibly could while also trying to rid their daughter's body of the cancer that had taken over it. A knock at the door startled both Emma and Joan.
"Come in." Emma said in a tiny voice. A nurse walked in and smiled sadly.
"Hi sugar pie. I just have to start this chemo going okay?"
"Can Joan stay?"
"Of course." Joan moved to the chair beside the bed and took Emma's hand. She watched as the nurse quickly and efficiently prepared everything and, if it was even possible, she reached a new level of respect for everyone on the pediatric oncology floor. Even though they too had lost someone special, life still had to go on. There was little time to cry or grieve.
"Callie?" Emma said looking up at the nurse.
"Yes honey?"
"Do you think Dr. Leigh will give me a pass to get out of here for a day so I can go to Lexi's funeral on Saturday?"
Callie nodded, "I'm quite sure that could be arranged."
"Are you gonna come Joan?" The small girl turned to her friend.
Joan though about it for a minute, a little turned off by the though of watching a 7 year old be put in the ground. "Yeah, if you want me to Em."
"I think Lexi would have wanted you to."
"Well, then I'll be there."
Callie smiled as she finished hooking up the last of the tubes coming out of Emma, "If you need anything just call okay? I think Mallory from Child Life is going to come by in a little while to talk to you."
"'Kay." Emma said, waving sweetly to Callie.
"This guy's new huh?" Joan said pigging up a brightly colored stuff Hippo from Emma's bed. "He looks familiar."
"Yeah, that's Tubby, he was Lexi's, her mommy and daddy gave him to me."
"That was nice of them."
"Yeah, they said so I'll always have a piece of her." Joan nodded, "Hey Joan, will you cuddle me?" Emma asked, tears beginning to well in her eyes again.
"Aww, come here sweetie." Joan carefully picked up Emma and sat down in the chair beside her bed, where Emma quickly fell in to a much-needed slumber. She looked at the child's pale skin and bald head, and wondered to herself if this was the work of God or the Devil. The children of cancer suffered endlessly most often only to die. Joan was so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear the footsteps in the room.
"Hi." Mallory whispered, gently touching Joan's shoulder.
"Hey." Joan responded just as quietly.
"I see she's asleep, her parents said she was up all night, I can come back later."
"Wait..." Joan reached up with her free hand and grabbed Mallory's hand. "Can I talk to you?" Mallory's brown eyes were sweet and sympathetic.
"Of course." She whispered, taking a seat on Emma's bed.
"Em said she's going to Lexi's funeral, do you encourage that?"
Mallory smiled sadly, "It depends on the parents Joan, some do feel that it's better for the child if that's what they want. It's the same with the staff here, most go to funerals, but some don't. It all depends on the person."
"Should I go?"
"Do you feel like you'd like to say goodbye to Lexi?"
Joan nodded, "I've just......never been to a funeral for a little kid before, I mean, it's different when a child dies."
Mallory nodded, "A lot of parents don't even call them funerals, but instead, Celebrations of Life. They have balloon releases and stuff like that, celebrate the things their child accomplished instead of things they didn't."
Joan felt a tear creep down her cheek, and Mallory lifted a gentle and caring hand to wipe it off. "Does it get any easier?"
"Never, but I keep doing this knowing that some day some of these kids will be graduating from high school or college and thanking us for taking care of them. That though helps me through the ones who never will be able to do that."
"Will you be there? At the funeral?"
Mallory nodded, "I like to say goodbye. Plus, I mean I'm not required to, but being a child life specialist and supporting the family doesn't stop when a child dies, or even when a child gets better." Mallory looking at Emma for a second, "Oh, I almost forgot what I came for." She said handing Joan a picture of Lexi and a flyer.
"What are these for?"
"Well, that picture is for little Miss Emma, I know she wanted to put it up on our Angels board. And the flyer is for our special yearly prom it's Monday. We get dresses and cute little tuxes donated for all our little ones and they have a grand old time."
"Guess some of these kids don't ever make it to prom do they?"
"They make it to this one." Mallory said with a soft smile. "I've got to run Joan, but tell Miss Emma I came by and that I'd like to talk to her later if she feels like it."
"Thanks Mallory." Mallory nodded and left. Joan sat with Emma in her lap for hours before the child woke up.
"Hey sleeping beauty. Look what Mallory brought you." Joan said, showing Emma the picture of Lexi.
Emma smiled sadly, "Let's go hang it up."
"Okay sweetie, let's."
Joan carried Emma out into the hall by the Survivors and Angels boards and watched as Emma kissed the picture of her best friend and her tiny hand gently attached the photo to the wall.
"Bye Lexi," she whispered, almost inaudible "You fought the good fight."
By the time Emma's parents showed up, Joan was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She bid a quick goodbye to them and promised Emma she would be back tomorrow. She couldn't get on to the elevator fast enough, and was grateful to get outside. As soon as she exited the hospital, she found someone she never expected.
"Adam?"
"Joan....."He said softly turning to her. "Look, Grace told me about that little girl..."
Joan didn't give Adam a chance to answer, she buried her face in his chest, and he slowly wrapped his arms around her, gently massaging the small of her back.
"Shhhh, it's okay," He said, trying to comfort her, "I'm here now."
"Don't ever leave me." She said sobbing, the events of the day finally setting in.
"I won't Jane." He said, gently kissing the top of her head.
"hey," she whispered softly, "you called me Jane."
Adam smiled, "Yeah, I guess I did."